I am so terribly sad...

I don't know how many tears I have been shedding secretly since yesterday. I dare not let S know I am crying. He will feel so bad.

I'm no longer required to wake up at five in the morning and rush through morning chores..., I smell my school Tshirts and fold them lovingly. I will never part from them and save them as precious relics. No longer checking the school mails or plan the weekly lessons now. It's tragic!

There's a constant lump stuck in my throat and I can't help but cry. I am missing the school so much. I am missing myself. I am not the same person anymore. I feeling so lost and desolate. I can feel a huge void in my heart, in my very life which can only be filled by another school.

I have mailed Mtn and told him the whole thing. I was afraid he might think I have been fired.

My May salary still hasn't been paid. I also need my experience certificate. I rang the school and talked to Mr. She convinced me this would be done.

Later I received a call from Stf that my police certificate is needed. I don't have one so now I have to go to go to school tomorrow, collect her personal letter for the state office then go to the state office to apply for the certificate as soon as possible.....

My Last Day

I rejoined the school today after nearly one and a half month.

As always, I was so excited to be going to school that I woke up at four a.m. instead of five. To board the  train to school, to alight at the station, to walk the long distance to school was inexplicably an emotional affair. I am still not completely okay so I need to walk a bit slowly in order to avoid any movement pain in my stomach. The only things I could think of was the school and what new things would I find there. One and a half month is really a long time..

I met everyone. They were so glad to see me back. Even the new Greek teachers whom I met today for the first time were all giving me hugs and asking how I was and that they were glad I was back. The parents were glad too and asked about me. That Ls's mother just kept repeating and repeating that she was very happy to see me back; she must have said this at least 8-9 times in just one minute! I felt flattered really.

Stfn is still not back from her Canada love vacation. She will come back probably on Thursday. I met Ant. the new Greek teacher in my group. She is a young girl and truly fitted the description given to me by Asy. She doesn't know anything about kindergarten or even young children and doesn't make much effort to learn it too and handles parents as one does strange unknown people in the lift or in the train; otherwise she is really a very nice, warm, loving person. She told me how horrid Stfn has been to her since her first day in the school. She didn't guide her about anything, didn't tell her anything, and made her do all the cleaning, diaper changing stuff  all the time. She didn't even tell her how to make the lesson plans or do morning circles. She told me how jittery she was in handling the class all alone when Asy quit unexpectedly and Stfn simultaneously went on her vacation.

There was a new child in our class: a fourteen months old girl Vct who cannot walk without support yet.
It was her first day of school in her life and her mother was very anxious about so many issues a parent can have. At the end of the day when I had fully guided her and explained to her the working of the kindergarten  and settled little Vct to quite an extent, her mother was very reassured, satisfied and pleased.and told me she was very very happy with me and felt nice to have chosen this kindergarten. There was genuine happiness and pleasure on her face.
There was another new face in my group: a two and a quarter month old Indian boy Anc. His parents are a little worried about him because he hasn't started speaking yet. It was already past nine a.m. so I couldn't talk to them; however I promised to discuss this issue with them in detail during the home time. In course of the day I noticed that he is utterly lacking in all kinds of discipline. He needs to be spoonfed, can't stay at one place, keeps playing with toys all the time or he will yell the place the down and keeps running away as the fancy comes to him. Basically he does what he wants and refuses to listen. You may keep yelling his name a hundred times without him even looking once in your direction. Maybe he is unfamiliar with his name. I heard from Ant that his parents insist he be spoon fed and personally attended to in every aspect.

I handed over my yellow slips from 10th of May to 15th of June to Mr. She ominously told me that I should talk to Stf today at 12 0'clock.

I rang Stf and informed her that I had joined the school from today.
"What about your transfer plans?"
"I still do not know. My husbands's company has to final this at the end of this month."
I need to tell you something." She began solemnly. I think I knew what was coming now. "You see, you do not know if you will stay here in this city or not. This is a very difficult situation for me as I have to be sure about my teachers. Therefore I have decided that you should go off work now. I have already appointed another teacher in your place. If you don't get transferred and stay in this city then maybe you can come back to us in September when the new academic session begins."

It took me only one tenth of a second to realize that she was actually firing me...but the fact that it actually suits me considering the situation of my current health and the imminent plan of transfer, I, in fact, liked her decision and agreed immediately with her.

"I need one more favor from you." She requested. "I want you to write a mail to all the parents telling that you cannot continue due to your bad health so that they don't panic and thunder that you have been unduly fired. And I want to tell you that I am so grateful to you for your honesty and truthfulness. I am so glad that you had told me in advance so I was prepared for it. Thank you so much for being so nice."

So today is my last day here! I said to myself a little over ten times to be really sure. I had never before considered how and when my last day would come about....What do I need to do now?
Collect my things, H's things, say goodbye to everyone....really? Is it all over so soon?

I caught hold of Mks. In the whole school today, he was the only one I could talk to; the others are either all new or just don't understand English, Mk being absent today.
I took him to the sleeping room where the children were sleeping.
"I am leaving." I blurted.
"Whatttt?"
"Today is my last day. I just talked to Stf and she told me."
"That stupid woman!" He cried. "No. It just can't be. Is she firing you because you were absent for so long? That's illegal. You have your medical papers. She can't fire you."
"Well, she is not firing me. I mean it's not exactly firing. My stay in this city is uncertain. I might get transferred. She can't handle the uncertainty. She has to be sure. If everything is okay and I after all don't get transferred, then I may as well come back in September."
"How can you be so cool about this? This is downright firing and illegal. She can't lay you off in this manner. She needs to give you due notice or pay you two months salary. I can't imagine you leaving in this way. You are the most qualified and experienced teacher in the whole school and above all such a nice creature. You are the best teacher I have ever seen. They can't fire you like this."
"Don't be upset-"
"-I am not upset. I am flabbergasted. I can't imagine you leaving the school like this. We need you. I need you. I have never seen another person as nice as you are."
"Mks, it's okay. I am fine with this decision. Don't get Stf wrong. I think she is right in doing like this. And above all it sort of suits me. I am not angry with her. I agree with her decision."
"You are not angry with her- that is your decision. I am angry with her that is mine. She is plain stupid. She is a horrible person. She doesn't know what she is doing. I hate her sometimes. She is firing you just to save a few bucks. How horrible! I am going to fight with her and ask her how or why she did this to you. Why can't she let you remain till you have to leave?"
"No, please don't fight. I am okay with this, I repeat. Why should you fight then?"
He got up and hugged me affectionately. "You have been so good and kind to me. I value your company so much. I need you. I can't let you go like this."

It was half past one.
I collected my things from my classroom and H's things from his basket. Then it was time to say goodbye to everyone now. Everyone was shocked to hear that I was leaving. Izb told me she is leaving in one month too as she can't handle this weird place anymore. She suggested that I try to get a job in another kindergarten. She knows of one place where there is a vacancy for English teachers : "LG" Yes! The same place where As, Mz, My are working and where Stfn had also planned to go but refrained.
Both Mk and Ndn were absent today so I missed talking to Mk.

In the last I went to greet Mr.
"Have you talked to Stf already?" I asked her. She nodded meaningfully.
"So you won't come from tomorrow?"
"No. Today is my last day." I smiled.
"Are you okay?" She asked me.
"Yes, of course."
"You are sure okay?"
"But yes. I am completely okay. Why?"
"Mks is crying like a child for you 'Meine freudin, meine beste freundin...Tell him you are okay otherwise he will fight with me and keep crying.."

I went to him and he clung to me in an affectionate hug.
"I am so sorry you are going. I will miss you so much." Then I said bye to him and he hugged me again and then when I started going he came forward and hugged me again.
"Don't worry, we shall stay in touch. For all I know I might just come back in September."

When I reached home I just smsed him requesting him not to feel bad on my account as I was okay with this decision. He immediately replied back in a lovely long string of nine smses.

"This is terrible. You are one of the best teachers I've ever worked with. You are an incredible person and we will miss you!!!! I will miss you so much;( I think of you as a friend:(

I'm losing a wonderful coworker and a kind friend:( that's why I'm so upset by this.

But if you feel it is right thing then I will not fight against it.

I will miss you so much;(

You have a very good place in my heart and thank you for all you've done for me/us.

You really are a kind and lovely person.

I will keep praying for you! Love you too. Mks

Thus comes to an end my wonderful time at this kindergarten. I never knew my two year long stay in this pretty little kindergarten would come to such an  abrupt end. I have enjoyed every single minute of it. Every moment spent here is special to me and memorable. I can never forget my experience here. Now that I am no longer a part of it, makes me feel as if I have lost something from deep inside me, something that I have left there, something of the school that I have carried back within me and will probably never lay it away anywhere ever.
I am a part of that school; that school is a part of me.

I know nobody will understand these sentiments. Nobody needs to. These sentiments are so foolish, well stupid almost, but that's me.

A Chat with Mks

My health is steadily improving. I still cannot walk fast though, lift anything, stoop or sit on floor or any low seat as I start getting the pains again. I went to my doctor today for the final check up and she told me I was fit to go to work now though mustn't exert myself beyond my present feeble strength.

I shall start going to school again from Monday next week!

I am excitedly looking forward to going to school again but somehow I am haunted by strange unknown fears in my heart. I do hope everything is okay in school.

I rang the school and informed Mr in fragile German that I would be coming to school from Monday.

Then Mks rang me.
He was so happy to hear that I was joining again. He started rattling off in his characteristic nonstop chatter.
"You will find changes everywhere in the school." He warned. "Stfn is on a holiday. There is a new English teacher Ant in your place currently to look after your group. Stfn and Ant don't get along with each other at all! Stfn is giving Ant a very bad time! When I learnt that Stfn had to stay in this school, I went up to her and apologized to her for my behavior and told her that if we are to be colleagues than we had better talk and solve all our differences rather than give each other trouble. I told her how some people find some of her habits so abominable and that she should change herself. Mr is very unpopular. Nobody likes her. And she talks soooo much. The state educational authority did several inspections in school and have forced Stf to abide by their rules such as we can't accept children under two years old. Accordingly, from next academic session in September there shall be no baby group in the school. Therefore Ndn who was baby group teacher will take over as German teacher of Mz's group and Stfn shall remain the German teacher of my group instead of getting back to the baby group as planned before. The remaining two English teachers in the baby group will probably be thrown out.
There's a new child admitted in your group who is spoilt rotten and another one coming who is just fourteen months old. You will have plenty of fun."

Ll's greeting card

Today I received a mail in my mail box which was addressed to me. When I opened it I found it was Ll's 'Get Well Soon' card for me with her beautiful picture stuck on the front and colored by her on the inside.

I couldn't check my tears! I became so emotional to have a simple card from my little student wishing me to get well soon. I wish I had her address or email id so that I could reply back or at least to tell her how moved I was to get that card and how nice that card made me feel.

This card is very special to me, precious almost. I shall always preserve it carefully like a valuable treasure...!

My replacement or what?

I have a habit of checking the school's mail inbox ten times a day. Today when I checked it I nearly fell off my chair. There is a weekly plan written in English posted by a Greek teacher Ant, about whom Asy had told me before.

She has introduced herself in the mail as the new English teacher for my group and made the plan for the week as Stfn is away on a holiday for two weeks!

Have they already fired me or plan to? This looks ominous...I am feeling very frightened suddenly. Mtn had mentioned in his mail that there are very special rules in Germany for firing someone when the person concerned is sick and on sick leave; he had also assured me that he or the committee would support me in case of any danger to my job because of being sick. As yet I don't know if I have to leave the school. Suppose I didn't get transferred as expected and also became out of job? What then?

Asy has left the kindergarten

Life these days is at a stand still so to speak. For me really at a grinding halt. S's sister and her husband are at a visit to our house. The only thing that I am required to do is either to rest myself or plan where they could go for sight seeing. There is tremendous improvement in my condition, enough to stir myself outside the bed but still not enough to undertake work outside.

Yesterday Asy rang me to tell me that she has left the kindergarten! Today was her last day there.

All along these days Stf, the boss was not talking to her but was ringing her boyfriend late every night just to tell him how bad she (Asy) was at work. Her boyfriend kept telling her that if she had any problem with her, she should talk to her directly but she totally avoided confronting Asy at work.

Today, her boyfriend decided to meet her himself. Both Asy and he walked into the school. Stf was in her office drinking her coffee. When she saw both of them, she turned her back towards them haughtily saying that they didn't have appointment to talk to her. He tried talking to her but she got up and left the office. He was so enraged that he resolved that Asy would never enter this kindergarten again.
Asy's hopes of getting a certificate from this school are shattered. She had so desperately wanted it to make a decent career in this direction. I am so sorry for her...

Izb is also leaving the school. The reasons are more or less the same: she couldn't handle the strain and stress of a mismanaged place and a boss as eccentric as Timur Lang or Henry VIIIth.

Stfn is doing well. Asy told me that she was purchased back into this kindergarten by Stf paying for her round (love) trip to Canada where her boyfriend lives. So these days she is on her vacation to Canada to meet her boyfriend, the flight expenses have been neatly paid by Stf the generous boss to make her stay in the kindergarten.

I see, Mz and My had a reason for behaving the way they did....