Team Meeting

We had the team meeting today and Stf came to address it which she never does. Ever since that day when she had talked to me about leaving, I notice her face masking the somewhat hostile expression inside whenever she faces me and I admit I feel bad about it.

Well, she gave us a sheet full of figures and told us that it was the balance sheet and that the school is running in losses and that we are spending more than we are earning. Further she instructed us that since As is going to be doubly busy with the new branch in another city, we, the teachers, are expected to perform some extra management duties like purchasing eatables, office stationary, maintaining of school cleanliness etc etc. There was a full list of the new duties and we were allowed to choose one for ourselves.

I don't believe this bullshit. Stf is an astute, shrewd businesswoman. If at all the school was running in loss, she wouldn't want to open another branch in the same business; and she would also know full well how to cut costs. So far, I have never seen a single cost cutting measure implemented except not purchasing the mikes.
I believe she is just brainwashing us so that the teachers meekly do extra duty without thinking of getting extra payment for extra work.

The intimacy and closeness between Stf, As and Mz is remarkable. They laugh and share jokes and expressions like close close buddies. And Cl is as abominable as ever. I have started getting deeply irked by her odd aloof behavior when we are in front of others. She avoids talking to me as if I were infected with plague.

Cl is still ill.

Cl is ill. I regularly smsed her to know what had happened to her and how she was feeling now. She smsed me once that I was really like a sister. Well....!

So this Monday she remained absent. My group was split and half the children went to Mko and while the other half went to Mym along with me. This gave me an opportunity to know about H's day as he also in Mym's group. I was shocked to see that they just don't do anything at all ! Just a small song, usual Good Morning, How are you, date, day and month of the year and repetition of days of the week and months of the year like some holy ritual. It is amazing because mine is a smaller age-group but we do sooo many things. Cl is an ideal team mate and also hard working and takes a lot of interest in children just like me. We both put in so much of effort to plan our individual lessons and try to come up with novel techniques to teach our children. It was disappointing to see that the children didn't do much.
At the time when they were having their lunch, I just couldn't stop myself and started doing songs with them. They liked them so much that they started smiling and asking for more. One girl in fact came up to me and asked me why I had come to her class and if I would also come tomorrow to sing these songs. That should explain what the children want.

Svp was in Mko's group - for only about 2 hrs or so. He was so naughty, disobedient and insolent that Mko told me he was a devil and dropped him in Mz's group.

I hope, Cl gets well soon so that I can take my regular classes. I love my class and my children and hate to cancel my lessons.

Cl is ill. I wonder if she is pregnant.

As hadn't come to school since two days. I thought she had gone to Hamburg to work for the new branch but she came in today with her mom, looking a bit weak and beaten. She told me she had a nervous break down due to too much work pressure, stress and lack of mental rest. Now the doctors have told her to take time off work and not to think.
"I am told not to lie at home and rest. that's exactly something I have to avoid. Instead, I have to do things that can relax me, keep me emotionally happy and  occupied. I have to take a hobby, sports or something of the kind."

Cl started talking to me and told me she too had suffered this thing two three years back. She worked in a higher school where she taught class 8th. The work over there was entirely different from this school, "But it wasn't the work load but the internal politics and people's tricky, treacherous behavior that gave me nervous illness. I suffered so badly. Oh my God ! I had become listless, forgetful, self absorbed, melancholy, troubled, weak, suspicious. I just didn't want to talk to anybody.
I had to go to a Doctor and took medicines for nearly a year. The doctor prescribed the same things to me which As has been prescribed. I was told to stop working so I stayed at home for a few months doing nothing just watching TV, reading magazines,cooking etc. I tried to develop hobbies by doing 'cutting pasting' craft work, sport and other things and the like. Then when I finally felt better I joined this school. Oh, it was really horrible."

So, now I know why she double locks her ovals and why her t bars are low placed. Poor girl. Once bitten, twice shy. She really is like a frightened little mouse. So my guesses were correct that she painfully strives hard to stay away from involvement in any controversy and why no discussions and why the delicate diplomacy on her part....!

Unfortunately she fell ill today; stomach cramps, chills and shivers, weakness and nausea and feverish. Sounds like pregnancy to me but ....!
I admonished her not to work and that I will manage alone but she was hesitant to do so. We stayed indoors and did nothing just managed the kids I kept them involved so that she didn't have to do anything. She called her boyfriend and requested him to come and take her home but he couldn't come and she was afraid to go home alone as she feared something might happen to her on her way home. I offered to take her home but she declined.

She assured me again and again that she will be Okay and declined all my offers of help in work. Still, when my work was over I went to look for her to help her with the kids. Ndn informed me that poor Cl had became very ill and even threw up. Then she went home.
I was so afraid for her. I hope she reached home safely. I rang her but my call wasn't answered. I sent her a message. She later smsd back to me telling me that she reached home alright; she had had another throwing up on her way.

I feel so bad. Poor girl. I hope she gets well soon. So bad, that her boy friend couldn't come to take her back when she was really sick and scared too. I wonder if she is pregnant. I hope that she is because she loves kids and wants to become a mother but she is so much self effacing that she never expresses her desires even to her close people.

Dear Cl, please get well soon and may you find love and happiness in your world because you deserve it.

The new child in my class.

It was the third day of the new child Bhv (who is an Indian and is the son of a colleague of S). He is very cute and sweet and he cries a lot and displays a lot of anger as well. As said, "He is not sad that his mama is not here; he is angry that his mama is not here."

Yesterday while she was trying to manage him, he slapped her and later he slapped another girl from the group. He was so angry that he threw every little or big toy or interesting object I offered him for distraction. Then I brought him to the magnetic board and started showing him how the letters were getting stuck on it. I thought maybe  he would find it interesting. As usual, he struck them off the board angrily but because they were magnetic they just slid down and remained stuck. This fueled his anger so much that he violently started striking them to make them fall off the board....! Really ! What connection is there between not letting him go to his mama and making the letters fall anyhow?

Today he was crying non stop too. He just wanted to run away from the class and made several escapes. Once I allowed him to go out and was amused to see that he knew where the main door was and how he was pushing the door with all his strength to get it open.
Finally when it was sleep time, he didn't want to get inside the bed.
"Not this. Not this. Shoes. Shoes." He kept saying this and struggling out of bed sometimes even attempting to climb out. Suddenly he realized that his pants were also not on. I had taken it out before putting him to bed. Now he started saying pants, pants pants all the time. I said,
"Quiet"
"Pants"
"Go to sleep."
"Pants"
"Stop crying."
"Pants"
"Sshhh"
"Pants"
"Okay" So I gave him the pants and he even started putting his legs in them but couldn't manage more.
I took him in my arms and he snuggled close to me and became quiet. Perhaps he is used to being in his mama's arms a lot. And then he immediately surprised me by starting to address me as 'mama'.
"Mama, pants.
"No."
Mama, pants"
Finally he fell asleep in my arms out of sheer fatigue and exhaustion due to crying voraciously since morning and then I transfered him to his bed.

Really, children's world is so different...! They only want their mama....and their shoes and pants, 'cause they are intelligent enough to know that only their mother can take them back and if she came just now she wouldn't be able to without their shoes and clothes....!!!!

The Parent's Invitation

The Parents Committee has now come up with something really new; they have planned to hold a monthly  informal  parents teacher get-together in a nearby place where everyone can enjoy and get familiar with each other. The first get-together is in the first week of February and we all have been invited and requested to bring our devices to share Christmas play photos and videos with each other.

What I would not give to see As's reactions on this ! The more she hates the play and all the parents and strives to keep them and teachers apart, the more they catch up. I am ready to believe that all the teachers will be forbidden to attend this event. Maybe only Mz and Mym will be directed to go rather like under cover detectives to see and report all that happens  there...!

As to me I am most undecided. I do want to go to get play video and photos and to be able to tell them somehow all that happened to me because of the play but having been burnt I also want to play safe now and so want to strictly avoid any thing that can possibly get me into further controversy or conflict. For all I know As and Stf are just waiting for the slightest excuse to fire me.

Only Ad in school asked me what I thought about the invitation and she showed her full inclination to attend it. Rest all of them including Cl didn't even breathe a word about to me. Strangely Cl discussed all the mails in the box except the one with the invitation. I wonder, why she feels so afraid to discuss some particular things with me. Either she doesn't trust me, or doesn't appreciate my opinion about some people who are her friends  or doesn't want to court trouble/ argument and  with other colleagues because they don't like me and she does....

I happened to look at Cl's handwriting and was amazed to notice a few striking features. Like she double knots her ovals and her T bars are pretty small and low and has wavy baselines. This signifies that she is hesitant, unsure, afraid, emotional, scared of people etc.

Well, I too have decided that I am not going to embroil myself emotionally anywhere. I will just do what is required of me and that's it.
No emotional baggage to share, lend or borrow. Be professional. Don't be a fool. And please don't work with your soul. The company pays for you, not for your unwanted extra baggage...!

Springtime...!

Being positive is so important; to give peace and love another chance is so paying....!

I chose to overlook their resentment and continued speaking and laughing with them as if nothing at all betwixt me and them had happened and now I can see clouds clearing away; the sun is peeping through and soon it will be, I hope, springtime again in my kindergarten.

You know what, I realize, not without some regret, that my kindergarten diary has actually transformed into a personal diary and the sooner I correct this mistake the better. I have since a long time not recorded anything about the dear sweet children and focussed too much on the politics but I am going to mend my mistake now.

Well, So I have two new children in my group, an American-Dutch boy Mx who is only 2 years old and another a 2 and half year old boy Bhv who is son of S's colleague. Today was his first day. I was so sure he wouldn't cry but he cried so much that my ears almost feel numb.
A pair of Afghan sisters used to be in our group. Now the elder one has been separated and sent to bigger group. She used to love me much and would keep gazing me in affection for long times. I am going to miss her.

The play children still come to meet me and tell me that they love me which is very touching. When the school was reopened after 20 long days, some of the play children came to me to inquire whether they had to come for play practice.....!

Today Mz and Mym both were absent so their groups were merged. I casually asked Mko why were they absent and he replied equally casually.
"Mz has stomach upset because she ate something; and Mym is having her periods."

LOL......!!!!!

The Coward Cl...!

I am mildly amused to know that all the teachers including Cl try to avoid being seen talking to me. And now Ad has joined in this category of being avoided too. I noticed that apart from customary Hi and Hello and bit here and there general stuff nobody says anything much to me; well, I don't too but I noticed Cl in particular that she doesn't want people to know that she is friendly with me. I remember when she had gifted me those home baked cookies she had implored  me to not to tell the others about it and she had expressed her sorrow for not being able to say anything in my support in that horrible meeting.

Before the holidays she was every bit the loving, caring, confiding, helpful, hard working, acomodating, polite, docile and sympathetic girl which I had written about. After the holidays she is different now. We only talk about anything that is related to our group, studies and children- strictly no personal talk and discussing sensitive issues like the play, Mz, As, Ad etc. etc. is out of question. She was aware that As was going to announce the new manager but she didn't breathe a word to me. Ad's out burst in the meeting must have been the most popular topic of conversation in the staff room but she and I didn't even broach it. When the meeting was over she waited for others to get ready so she could go with them till the station. My destination was also the same but she didn't even ask me. And now she avoids appearing friendly to me in front of others.

I know she is at heart a really good girl but she has only two shortcomings and that is she is weak and a coward; too weak to be able to stand up on her own and too coward to even think of standing up. A few days ago I had read somewhere that her name means 'lame' and this is truly the only word that describes her so aptly. While at one hand she is so afraid to let others know that she is friendly with me, she is afraid to let me know that she fears this. She is afraid to discuss sensitive issues with me for fear of my reaction and her desire to remain faithful to me at the same time remaining faithful to my enemies....! She even looks at me differently in front of others while surprisingly she is her former smiling self when alone with me.

I wonder if I should give her credit for being delicately diplomatic or pity her for her cowardice and frailty.

Since 4-5 months she has been doing a heavy and lengthy duty alone ( changing and undressing children then after sleep again changing and dressing up of about 20 or more children of two separate groups together while no other teacher helps her) in which she rightfully needs assistance of other teachers. I used to help her out even though that made me do over time by half an hour or more everyday (and As had clearly told me it was my personal reason for staying late so the school won't pay me for that overtime). I had twice or thrice advised her to discuss this in meeting and ask for assistance but she refrained because she didn't want to offend anybody.

Yesterday, during the meeting, she asked if anyone else wanted to say something. I asked her in low tones that I wanted to discuss this issue.
"No............no.........I don't have any problem..!" She cried in such an aghast voice and eyes puckered out in horror.
Yes, I resigned and thought. You are fit to suffer your plight in silence. In fact you need something worse than this.
 Now I don't regard Cl as my friend at all. Telling her that she was like my little sister was a tiny emotional mistake. It's funny how some people don't seem to need parents, siblings, husbands, wives or children. They only need friends to satisfy their physical needs and bosses for money. I think I can safely say that the nice gifts I had brought for Cl for no reason and the affectionate sms's which I sent her when she  was in Saudi Arabia to wish her Christmas, New Year and etc were a waste of emotions.

If you are good and also weak then you are as bad as any bad person...!